New Blog, website in progress

Hi all, thank you for following and reading this blog. I am going to move my first post of the new website over to here so I can erase the website for and start over.

It’s a challenge for me to do a website obviously as I paid for the domain and site probably over a year ago and did little with it. Anyway, I’m setting the intention of moving the blog over only with non personal posts. I will post my monthly photo essays there but anything personal will be for this blog. I realized it makes sense to have the separation to post my art for sale and professional topics and images only on that website and have a discipline where I can continue this blog with more personal posts as I have shared over the years, including being a parent, adhd struggles and the like, as I like having an outlet to write about these things.

I’ll also post links to my website when I post new things there.

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Sunday 9/4/22: A special Day on a Special Weekend

So I realized I need to get WordPress support to delete my new site and then I can start it from scratch. I thought I’d want a lot of old posts but I don’t want them all there. I want a new slate. This can continue as a morning pages style and when I put a post on the new site I’ll share it here. I was mostly thinking about my sunflower manifesting photos but I’ll finish them here because I took a “Heart” photo in lights:

Then later in the week I got a certain someone a bitty surprise gift from Swarovski, a delicate necklace with 2 hearts so I’ll always be close to her heart:

So I saw another heart today and decided to move to manifesting hearts as I’ve overdosed on sunflowers.

Here’s a last one:

Move on Over

I finally am getting myself to get my website going. I purchased a domain name and WordPress site and started it, then used this one until I would make the other one perfect. There is no such thing as perfect or finished in my ADHD world, so I bit the bullet and transferred all the blog posts on here to my new website. Now I’m wondering should I have left them here and started a new blog for the new website? Uggh🙄

So – either way I will probably be posting on there but it’s supposed to be art related; the age old dilemma of mixing my artist identity with my therapy identity.

I’m thinking I should leave all the old posts here and start new on the website, but I probably have to archive all the posts I downloaded and dragged over there. I’m up way later at night than usual. My early waking is totally fucked. So I’m getting the link to post here so you wonderful people who support and read/see this blog can migrate over there. I think the more personal posts will keep being here and I’ll curate the other website. We’ll see how well that goes. As y’all know consistency ain’t my strong suit but I’m working on my writing in this therapy class/group about DBT skills where I get to be a regular person and not a therapist. I work on the homework posts to be organized and succinct, not like here. It’s been good discipline but it’s time consuming editing, rewriting and making senses. This weekend’s self care weekly post I rewrote until it was positive and realistic.

Saturday 8/27: Sunflower Manifestations

I just saw Pulp Fiction, which I haven’t seen in years. I’d forgo how great the movie is; it’s on my top 11 list of best movies I’ve seen. I like odd numbers and for example, I set alarms to 7:29 not the minute after.

Today I came across this calendar accidentally then looked at a page of this year’s calendar at my parents’ house and it had sunflowers on it. This was after I bought these sunflowers for them and brought them to their home:

The real sunflowers gift.
The 2023 calendar I came across at their house that my dad gave me.
The page from their 2022 calendar I opened to.

8/21 Last Day in Lake View; More Sunflowers!🌻

This was yesterday’s post:

Here are some more beautiful sunflowers not from here, taken by someone else, another gift:

Subtle differences below:

Another:

Then I played around with the sunflowers someone took for me. Meaning we we’re back at the same spot and I did different things with camera and editing:

Used Hipstamatic camera on random this
and the one below

I’ll post the rest separately…

Vacation Reflections 8/20 posting on 8/22

An old post I’m posting after exhausting drive so some of it is Adhd style run on long

Reflections on this vacation:

  • As usual, 2 weeks is too little for real vacating for me l, while for some of my clients it’s much too long, and for others it’s just their therapist taking a normal vacation.
  • I have continued to wake up without an alarm, which for me, is one of the healthiest habits I’ve acquired with surprisingly little effort. Yay
  • I’ve been often and mostly waking up very early around 5-6, 7-8, as well as sometimes sleeping in til 10. Like today, I’ve had silence and solitude and been able to do my “all of the things”, am self-care, yoga, tapping etc.
  • All of the things is a client’s shorthand for morning practice/ritual. One person does some intense kind of breathing and can hold their breath a minute or over and then take an extremely cold shower. I tried it in my studio on in a day I had a terrible stomach ache.
  • I’ve rarely hardly ever gone on the usual social media, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok. This blog has been more often and a lot more posts; it’s really just posting more than interacting mostly because I’m not engaging in the social stuff
  • Food: ice cream is a fundamental part of vacating. I take my ice cream seriously. While I can’t have the usual gluten filled cookie dough cookies etc. ice cream, I’ve been fully enjoying it. I don’t eat sugarless or Vegan Ice cream; there’s a reason the word cream is in there. Just a personal thing people are surprised about because of my weird food restrictions.
  • One can never talk too much about ice cream. It’s part of summer to indulge in sometimes daily, almost always going to the homemade Main Street ice cream place. Not eating gluten has expanded my ice cream adventure as I’m not one to have the same flavor every time. I had a great cinnamon flavor, a few other exotic ones but two days ago we went to the other place and I was struck by White Lightning
  • It’s dark chocolate Ice Cream with mint swirls. The mint was off putting but I tried it and ordered a scoop on top of plain old chocolate peanut butter. Once you’ve had that deep chocolate flavor the other scoop felt like ice pop chocolate.
  • Food: I’ve swung between a day like yesterday- gluten free overly sweetened carrot cake early in the morning, smoked salmon cream cheese on rice cake, ice cream, cucumbers, late night more carrot cake followed by potato chips to just now making eggs with spinach, tomato and a little cheese hopefully setting off a healthier food day but if not, whatever. I’ve just barely kept up the gluten free in a house full of temptations. And it wouldn’t be vacation without the usual added can whip cream on top of my usual dark coffee with half and half. The other day I had salmon avocado sushi and vegetable noodles so I’ve gone back and forth. Food has been fun and mostly social which makes it so much less annoying.
  • Drawing almost every day more this week I did different stuff than usual.
  • These are mostly journal drawings from these two weeks. Some show the date.

On Being a Small Human

There are things you can do about your size, shape and appearance and others you can’t do. I’m 5 foot 3. I agree with the Clover Mite in Kit’s blog post. Trees are bigger than most humans.

The other day I saw a Freaky Friday genre horror movie comedy. Freaky. From 2020. They must have filmed before pandemic. The fun of the movie is the big Vince Vaugh on the outside with a small meek high school girl on the inside. While I find it hard to believe a cute blond like her is bullied, I get that her friends are black and gay. I didn’t go to one of those high schools so I’ll watch any high school movie. I went to a relatively tiny (size again) girls school with uniforms; the sports were played by the girls. There was no football or homecoming or prom; since then they’ve managed a prom. I wasn’t in the popular probably sexually actively group. I hung out with the misfits.

Anyway there are a couple of great scenes with Vince Vaugh doing some fine acting. She transforms just from being in his huge body. He can barely fit in the car. As usual the people in the horror movie do stupid stuff and he shouldn’t be there anyway. He’s talking to the boy she likes about how she kind of likes being in his big body and feeling strong and powerful and people not wanting to mess with him. At the same time they’re having a romantic moment and the guy wants to kiss her so they have an awkward first kiss, just proving my theory that despite people having specific sexual orientations, they can break through them when they like someone. Like the movie where the kid wakes up every day in a completely different body/gender/race etc.

I’ve often wondered what if everyone was dying to be short instead of tall. What is it about the culture where somehow being tall is so much more preferable? People lie up at least a half inch on their height on the internet especially. I’m 5 foot 3 so bigger than some really short people but still a “small person”. In high school I played mostly boys and old men in plays, partly mostly due to my size.

At my job long ago at the Day Treatment program almost all the clients were bigger than me. People would find it funny when a pretty large loud client on my case load would bang on my door in the morning, usually because she wasn’t wearing enough clothing and I’d have to escort her to the clothing store run by clients to get stuff to cover her up.

Last night I was at a high school reunion get together and probably the smallest person there but armed with a cool outfit especially my black baggy jeans with smiley and frowny white outlined faces all over them.

Maybe my fascination with clothing and fashion is a way to deflect from being a small person to being a small person with loud clothes. In high school I broke the uniform all the time with loud clothes. In high school I used the magic trick of deflection- probably an ADHD trait- wearing crazy clothes, playing the class clown while being neurotic about homework and getting good grades.

My 14 year old started high school last year and it’s been a parallel process where I’m reminded of my high school experience and feel like I’m a teenager again, much less insecure but still socially awkward and last night I realized I didn’t feel so good standing out like a sore thumb as they say, in my weird outfit and obvious alien persona. Everyone there was super nice though which helped me feel more comfortable.

I employed my recent Adhd trick of avoiding talking about myself and avoiding talking much. Going back to my roots of being a quiet child who turned into a loudmouth and talked too much. So much compensation. I’m actually shy but usually talk too much out of being shy.

Most people don’t get it. Now that I can have weed in public it helps as alcohol doesn’t help me at all at social things. I mostly listen to people and notice my old behaviors of interrupting people and talking about myself. Now I can have a conversation with an actor writer and just ask them about the plays they’re in and what they’re writing- a modern take on Macbeth using lines from Shakespeare to riff off in current English. Her example was great. I mentioned nothing about my past acting experiences and liking being in college student avant-garde films with hardly any lines to remember. I was so proud of myself. If you ask people about their stuff with the idea that you only offer info if asked is interesting. I know most people employ this method or know just when to talk about their experiences in a conversation. With me it’s all or nothing.

Anyway it’s a great approach for me as I don’t later worry about what I said that was stupid or embarrassing. I did tell someone something very personal and then took control of myself and smoked some weed. I had a long conversation with a very cool person (another spouse whose wife went to the school) and bonded about why smoking weed is so helpful for being a high strung person. While she was muscular and bigger than me she was relatively small too.

She also said some great personal things about her mom raising six kids being a single mom.

Anyway being small has its advantages. I can’t think of any now it being Saturday morning at 6:53, but they exist. People picking you up usually isn’t one of them.

Horton Hears a Who, not unlike the post about the mite, is a story about an elephant that finds a tiny town only he can hear. There’s other great literature like Charlotte’s Web where a tiny “person” is best friends with a person much bigger. There’s a Sesame Street short little book about the whole topic around Big Bird and Little Bird. Someone much huger than me gave me the book a long time ago.

Anyway the girl inside the violent killer’s body has some experiences involving peeing standing up and having balls but the best part in this especially huge tall body is as comedic. Suddenly she’s huge and strong and can fuck with the mean jocks and the little mean girl who’s been bullying her. My kid is already taller than me and has been wearing my clothing for a few years now; sometimes I wear hers or give her clothes I don’t like on me that she wears well.

Well as usual I’m avoiding talking too much about more personal things specific to my family and friends. Talking about my size experience is weird enough.

Another thing about bodies. I don’t really like having one. These past two months I’ve had pain and ailments that are quite bothersome, especially my elbow thing, all of which are helped by weed. It’s a good pain medicine and anxiety medication so I don’t use it that often but when I do it’s for medicinal purposes. I think the “getting high” part goes with its medicinal properties when you take it for pain or anxiety. Being in pain or discomfort feels shitty so having the pain gone and feeling good go together when you have chronic mental and/or physical pain. I use it like medication that I don’t take regularly. I don’t need it on a daily basis and try to avoid it if pot because of the junk food side effect. It’s not helpful for trying to eat healthy so that’s not great. It is great that it’s legal so I can write about it. I’ve always thought alcohol is much less medicinal and it’s dangerous. Who ever has been afraid of someone who’s been imbibing only weed vs. alcohol? It doesn’t lend itself to violence. Like taking an anti depressant won’t make you violent but alcohol by itself or mixed with anything mostly is fine but can be risky and is a depressant..,