Birthday poem for my mother

“So much to lose of loss”

So much to lose of loss

It couldn’t be this heartbreaking could it

To have my mother not hear her say what she used to say on my birthday 

Where did she go -?where’s that phone call and they gave you to me and I don’t remember the rest something saccharine like you were my bundle of joy.

We were both there. You had that moment they took me out of you and I made you happy the third the baby the extra one. I want to be your baby again for a minute and hug you but there’s only cardboard and dust to hug.

I want you back for a minute to be go you were:

At the hospital across the ocean the day after.

Why don’t you love me like that anymore like you used to love me as much as I so vigorously hated myself

You said it was ok to not get there. To try and lose. You’ll be the same to me.

On the phone with

What is in there? I try to see the little things in your brain that did this to you

How could such tiny things in your brain take you so far away from me?

I don’t know how to lose you and I lose you again and again. I lost your love and it will never come back come back

I never want to do that to my girl. You saw her

I can’t go on

I’ll go one without you. You’re gone so I am.

I miss you inside you there’s no you inside you anymore. It’s always night time you gave yourself over to the night

And the night took you away from me.

The night took you away .so much to lose of loss. There’s no bottom to it

I erased the last line. It was good