ADHD is torture

I dictated this into Chat GPT: these are all my words. At the end I say I’m reading it when I meant to say I’m basically talking and recording.

Here’s my long winded group of disorganized thoughts about some aspects of ADHD:

I’m trying to write an article for WordPress. I don’t need it to sound too much different from me. It’s really something when someone thinks they have ADHD and they’re so much the opposite of someone who has ADHD. And they’re so worried that they can’t focus on things, they have too many ideas, and I don’t even know what else they think. And then I question them, and they’re problem solvers. They are sticking to one thing. They know how to stay with the system and keep it that way. They don’t keep changing. They don’t do anything ADHD besides get distracted and don’t like when they have a lot of time to get distracted and look up things that convince them they have ADHD. They don’t misplace things constantly. Any memory loss short-term is caused by anxiety and stress of not having structure. It’s interesting how convinced everybody can get that they have ADHD. They have no idea what really it constitutes. How many times have I changed where I put things in any situation? How I organize the studio, where I put things, where everything is. Start labeling the drawers with what’s in them and then stop. Change what’s in the file drawers. What else? Things are a mess. Sometimes I clean them up. Sometimes I don’t. I try to say every Monday I’ll clean the bathroom. It doesn’t happen. Something happens that is bad and so then I’m like, I don’t feel like cleaning the bathroom. I’m too tired and stressed out. I constantly find systems for doing paperwork and then it never works. I don’t hand in my taxes on time. It’s miraculous that I’m working on them and will get them in hopefully a couple of months before the October 15th date. Because a couple of years I was up on October 14th until the last minute completely confused not having finished the taxes and suddenly not being able to do the last step. I started working on the taxes and then stopped for a long time and then started working on them again and redid some of the things I already did. How many times have I lost my keys? How many times am I looking in my bag for my phone and say, I’m always going to put it here. Then I change where I put everything. These are not things that regular people do. They don’t keep putting things in different places. If they decide to put their phone always in one place, they keep it always in one place. They’re not impulsive and react impulsively every time they try to not. There are so many things on a daily basis that are so challenging and you keep trying in so many ways to change things and make them easier and then part of you is so lazy and can’t deal with it and cannot stay consistent. I have this series of paintings and the process would be create the collage ground on top of something that will hang on the wall. Glue it all together until you have the exact shape you want. Then cover it with white gesso paint. Then sew around the edges completely. Then use the oil paint on top and figure out exactly what you want to put on it and what the sort of pattern is that keeps all the pieces together. I have a piece up on the wall that has a broken piece on it that I tried several different things on top of with paint and I changed my mind several times, restarted, stopped. I have another piece that seems to have all the sewing around it. Then I have a piece that keeps getting bigger and I had painted all on top of it, sewed around one piece, not the other. Then I ripped it up again. Then I have another one that looks like it could be finished, but I haven’t gotten back to it to make it consistently what I want it to be. So it’s part of one painting and part of another painting. Then there’s pieces that aren’t covered. I say to myself, okay, it seems like this is what you’ve developed. Now you take an old canvas or piece of wood board so that you have something to hang on the wall. Then you glue all the pieces of paper and random stuff on it. Then you cover it with white gesso. Then you sew around the edges after you make sure you know what the shape is. I have something on the wall right now that I put the back on such that I can’t turn it the way I want it to be. I can’t even describe all the mess that is going on and not organizing my time in order to make art. I have a big sign here that says, Stop Nothing Silence. I’m supposed to get a text, not answer it for at least half an hour unless it needs to be answered right away. Maybe I should wait 10 minutes and set an alarm because I already answered probably two texts today too quickly, which got me slightly into trouble. This is just like a constant. If I took a picture of my studio right now, I have been in here since August of 2022, and everything in here has been moved except the file drawers. I have reorganized and disorganized everything. I’ll just put pictures in this post. These people don’t have ADHD. They have a hard time focusing sometimes. They get distracted. They forget things. They don’t have this problem, and they don’t do the same thing over and over or the same thing differently. I’ve had to accept that my way of doing things is just completely disorganized. It’s my studio, and no one else has to care about it, so the only place that I can do this is my studio where it has no consequences except cleaning it up for when someone comes in here. If I watch the news constantly for several weeks and get completely freaked out about it, then I’ll stop reading the news whatsoever and ignore what’s going on. Then I’ll decide to try and listen to NPR. This is ADHD, a daily struggle. How often am I going to make these posts? I’ll decide I’m going to post once a week. I’ll decide I’m going to post three times a week. I post, then I don’t post on a blog for a month or two. Then I post every day. Then I decide nobody’s reading Forget It. Then I decide nobody’s reading great. I’ll just post another post. What am I posting about? Should I organize the topics? For a while it was like just post five sentences so that you don’t get into trouble like with this particular article that I’m reading out loud.