I should not

I should not read over posts I’ve written on here. It’s a corner, a tiny spot in a huge gigantic painting, that you don’t notice is one little dabble that makes up some dots closely hugging each other in a corner nobody sees even up close or notices. Like on this podcast episode an artist told me about, by an artist about artists’ blocks. At one point in the only episode I listened to she says if nobody knows your art you get to have the freedom to make whatever you want because you’re not thinking of a big audience. Wow, the “collateral beauty” of being a “starving artist” all your art life except for a few blips.

How does anyone with adhd get through podcasts. They have too many episodes and seasons and are organized confusingly. It’s a really weird art form I can’t find the flesh of; they seem very cool when I hear a topic but I listen to one and can’t keep going.

And I admire people who work in them and what they have to do to make them. They’re are too many kinds.

So I can say anything here because I’m free. In the same day I hear one kid in Gaza gets killed every 10 minutes, all this other stuff happens. The usual day of the privileged American. Having ADHD is real. I have a client who is applying for disability and they do exactly to him what causes him to have symptoms that make him eligible for disability. It’s like he says, they torture you so long they expect you to give up.

I told a person I’ve worked with about 11 years we’d have a free session next week to figure out how/if he can keep working with me. He’s had the only insurance that reimburses me and today it ended. Of course this is the worst time for him financially to have to stop therapy with me but I don’t have a single client whose financial situation has recently improved markedly.

Capitalism is worse than ever. Everyone is fucking broke. The rich people are paying a lot of money for therapists for their kids. I’m great at working with kids alone but it’s a version of family therapy; the pressure gives me extreme anxiety so I made a rule in like 2015 to stop working with any kids after the dad of an adorable 4 year old having great sessions with me called me at 10 pm one night and yelled at and berated me.

So I only work with adults; now I specialize in long term therapy. I have only one post pandemic client; the rest knew me before it.

I’m up late; I just saw a bad Netflix film. I can’t sleep. I’m reading a few books, including, How Does it Feel to be a Problem? Being Young and Arabic in America. I’ve been leaning towards fiction but I got sick of time travel in the 1750s/60s. I thought I couldn’t read an intense serious book completely related to this current genocide war but it’s a reminder of how this has been happening on so many smaller and different kinds of fronts; nothing you can agree on even when the provocation began can you say is unprovoked. I keep coming back to the little children, dead, injured and never going to see their parents again. All iterations and what happens to people in a cancer hospital that gets bombed. Does congress care about that? Of course not.

I made some drawings today pretty decent, but I left and forgot to take photos Here’s one from 10/10: