Earth Without Art

Is just Eh. I’ll have to draw my own before I get in trouble for uploading this.

I’m watching the Bills game. My hyper vigilance and intrusive thoughts battery have decreased. At the beginning while watching different news and reading news, couldn’t stop thinking of the war all waking moments. It was relentless. I’m used to having at least 2 strains of thought in my head at work listening to the client, hearing thoughts in the head and moving them along unless there’s a verbal intervention going on. I had relieving therapy talking about it the whole session – sounds weird but therapy is freeing and sometimes used to just talk about what you’ve been obsessing and finally able to release what’s been relentlessly torturing you.

It feels like it’s been a week since 10/7. Not 19 days.

Wael Dahdouh, Al Jazeera bureau chief reporter lost his family, killed by Israeli bombing:

His Wife, Amna, 44 years old, , 16 year old son Mahmoud, 7 year old daughter, Sham, baby grandchild Adam.

They’re saying other family members missing. I think it’s important to say their names and ages. People don’t realize the seemingly obvious tactic of giving the Israeli dead and hostages, names, ages, photos, while Palestinians dead and injured are numbers. Humans care and remember innocent people killed had names and faces; they could be your partner, sibling, kid. Even Dahdouh’s family members were referred to as “family members”. I wanted to write the names of those killed. I think his daughter Bisan is still alive. I couldn’t find names and ages of the missing family members. If he was an Israeli citizen, we would know what they looked like; we would easily know how old and who were missing. I couldn’t find it. And where they were when they went missing. Dahdouh went to the multiple funerals and back to work the next day. The Next Day. I don’t think he could do anything else with those multiple losses and mother in law still unconscious. I found the story with the most details:

https://www.yahoo.com/news/al-jazeera-journalist-still-reporting-230756180.html

I started stopping the obsessive need watching and reading. Yesterday I got so disgusted with the US behavior with the UN resolution. ADHD I went back into angry hyperfocus texted long reactions to 3 friends, 2 of which are not only checking in on my mental health but don’t mind how long my rants are. Each day feels like a week. On Tuesday I took the day off; I got up late and couldn’t go to my weekly great yoga class my friend teaches. In all the 9 or so years of my home practice I don’t think I’ve missed this much daily yoga.

Later I cancelled a bunch of sessions, stayed in bed and realized I needed to cancel the whole day and my group. I used to have a rigid boundary where I couldn’t take sick days. I would have forced myself to go to work. I’m old now. It was a good day to take off. I couldn’t function and ate adhd style which is too embarrassing to talk about, meaning no real meals, and consistently crap until bed.

I just before the game wrote a poem from the point of view of a football now that I know the players give the ball to the fans at touchdown and also that they use a lot of footballs during the game. I learned that from the famous Patriots “football-gate”; around 24. Here’s the link to preparing footballs for the game:

I speed read part of it:

https://operations.nfl.com/updates/the-game/preparing-the-footballs-for-nfl-games/

Time outs /cease fire moments to bring in water, food, fuel, etc, sounds like a fucking football game, not a war. Feed people then bomb them. I don’t know what to say. My therapist texted me this photo today. I was talking about moving maybe to Canada near the house my sister bought and living there most of the time, actually anywhere. Today I fully accepted based on how Biden’s talking, the Republican immediately talking about Israel when finally voted in; this is a fascist state in the making. I don’t want to vote for Biden. The democrats are all in. Some people fled Germany early in its rise to fascism. I would think flee as quickly as possible but we need the last thing left that is providing a good public high school education as good as private schools. And therapy. It’s of course worth it.

My heart and spirit and mind have mostly fled. As I watch the Bills vs. Buccaneers footfall Thursday night game; the NFL is no doubt disgusting but I like it anyway. At least the aggression and controlled I guess violence of the game is still a game and they’re my team. When I became a vegetarian I realized I was a hypocrite. “Humans are walking contradictions.”