Day 3: Daily Post

This trying to post daily is not about historical events unfolding. I can’t do much about them. Maybe it’s about ADHD. Today I was more hightenely aware of how hard it is to just exist and do the things to do daily. How the PTSD from 9/11 caught me up in this ongoing war that makes me feel helpless, watching people being exterminated, mostly children. Around half of the people in Gaza are under 18 years old.

That fact alone; I did not know that. I should have but now I do.l How senseless to be killing so many children. Among those 18 year olds are babies and all ages under 18.

In going deep into trauma reactions that have made me mentally sick since October 7, can I get out of the behaviors and focus on being productive. Find a balance between learnign daily what’s going on and at the same time living my life and finding things to do. Last week it was donating to the Palestinian Children Fund and to a Jews for Palestininans group. Not a big sum.

There is a zoom tomorrow that I can attend and participate in in whatever way, Reform vs. Revolution: AOrganizing, Educating and Taking Care of One Another for Palestine. I will learn something and participate just by showing up. Meanwhile now that I’ve gotten out of the cloud of PTSD, which involved so many behaviors and things beyond my control, like having Gaza and what’s happening in my mind all day while doing whatever. I cccouldn’t control my brain doing that. I took a walk to the 9/11 pools and found the Memorial very comforting. The sounds of the water like a waterfall and the squares. It’s like everyone else sees it as an event from 22 years ago, but I was there. Downtown looked like places in Gaza after bombings. The white grey coating everywhere. People covered in the white grey cloak of whatever. There are no ccomparisons between the two events; Trauma happens when your being reaccts to the violence and everything else that mifht feel familiar. Anyway, during that darkness of PTSD and all kinds of symptoms; I coulnd’t control what my mind was doing. It felt unbearable to just be a human being. It helped to make art. It helped to talk to a few people who understand being Jewish and Pro Palestine.

I dont’ really know what I’m saying but the idea of this blogging daily is to write about something to relieve the ADHD PTSD cycle/circle. When you come back to your daily life, you see the mess your adhd makes and feel overwhhelmed again. How am I going to live and not feel so impotent at almost everything. How can I do what you do in DBT. Radiccally accept that you can’t change your own past and choices youu made but you can try more to be effective and live a life worth living as the founder of DBT says. Build a life worth living. DOn’t focus too much on your mistakes. Move on. I have learned a lot.

I may not have mentioned but I keep Afghanistan in my head maybe due to 9/11 and there were 4 earthquakes there. In the news, but who noticed them. I guess I did. Afghanistan has this particular blue pigment in the mountains hiddne away somewhere, hard to access. It’s some kind of hot spot historically it seems forever. Just like the area of what was Palestine and the areas surrounding it. It pulls some kind of terrible energy where people are asked what they wish for most, they say peace or way before this happened, Peace in the Middle East. It’s a very specific area almost people are saying if there’s peace there there is much more chance of being peace everywhere. How could a place so “holy” to different religions be so bloody.What does religion cause so much blood shet, hate and disgusting behaviors? Is it really oil and other things like that?The religion being the facade behind which there are all kidns of other complicated resource grabbing elements?

Don’t trust any source. What’s really going on is behind the curtain. Everything we’re told is lies and truths sprinkled in the lies. None of the things that happen in Israel and Gaza and the West Bank will make sense. More chidren are dying now. How is it that most humans would agree they just want to live their lives, protect and educate and love their children, and this is what is going on? It’s the eternal question. Tomorrow I will just post some images. This is isn’t real writing. It helps with ADHD to let go and stop, which sometimes your really don’t have control over. who would choose to let themselves suffer this way. It’s exhausting.