On Being a Small Human

There are things you can do about your size, shape and appearance and others you can’t do. I’m 5 foot 3. I agree with the Clover Mite in Kit’s blog post. Trees are bigger than most humans.

The other day I saw a Freaky Friday genre horror movie comedy. Freaky. From 2020. They must have filmed before pandemic. The fun of the movie is the big Vince Vaugh on the outside with a small meek high school girl on the inside. While I find it hard to believe a cute blond like her is bullied, I get that her friends are black and gay. I didn’t go to one of those high schools so I’ll watch any high school movie. I went to a relatively tiny (size again) girls school with uniforms; the sports were played by the girls. There was no football or homecoming or prom; since then they’ve managed a prom. I wasn’t in the popular probably sexually actively group. I hung out with the misfits.

Anyway there are a couple of great scenes with Vince Vaugh doing some fine acting. She transforms just from being in his huge body. He can barely fit in the car. As usual the people in the horror movie do stupid stuff and he shouldn’t be there anyway. He’s talking to the boy she likes about how she kind of likes being in his big body and feeling strong and powerful and people not wanting to mess with him. At the same time they’re having a romantic moment and the guy wants to kiss her so they have an awkward first kiss, just proving my theory that despite people having specific sexual orientations, they can break through them when they like someone. Like the movie where the kid wakes up every day in a completely different body/gender/race etc.

I’ve often wondered what if everyone was dying to be short instead of tall. What is it about the culture where somehow being tall is so much more preferable? People lie up at least a half inch on their height on the internet especially. I’m 5 foot 3 so bigger than some really short people but still a “small person”. In high school I played mostly boys and old men in plays, partly mostly due to my size.

At my job long ago at the Day Treatment program almost all the clients were bigger than me. People would find it funny when a pretty large loud client on my case load would bang on my door in the morning, usually because she wasn’t wearing enough clothing and I’d have to escort her to the clothing store run by clients to get stuff to cover her up.

Last night I was at a high school reunion get together and probably the smallest person there but armed with a cool outfit especially my black baggy jeans with smiley and frowny white outlined faces all over them.

Maybe my fascination with clothing and fashion is a way to deflect from being a small person to being a small person with loud clothes. In high school I broke the uniform all the time with loud clothes. In high school I used the magic trick of deflection- probably an ADHD trait- wearing crazy clothes, playing the class clown while being neurotic about homework and getting good grades.

My 14 year old started high school last year and it’s been a parallel process where I’m reminded of my high school experience and feel like I’m a teenager again, much less insecure but still socially awkward and last night I realized I didn’t feel so good standing out like a sore thumb as they say, in my weird outfit and obvious alien persona. Everyone there was super nice though which helped me feel more comfortable.

I employed my recent Adhd trick of avoiding talking about myself and avoiding talking much. Going back to my roots of being a quiet child who turned into a loudmouth and talked too much. So much compensation. I’m actually shy but usually talk too much out of being shy.

Most people don’t get it. Now that I can have weed in public it helps as alcohol doesn’t help me at all at social things. I mostly listen to people and notice my old behaviors of interrupting people and talking about myself. Now I can have a conversation with an actor writer and just ask them about the plays they’re in and what they’re writing- a modern take on Macbeth using lines from Shakespeare to riff off in current English. Her example was great. I mentioned nothing about my past acting experiences and liking being in college student avant-garde films with hardly any lines to remember. I was so proud of myself. If you ask people about their stuff with the idea that you only offer info if asked is interesting. I know most people employ this method or know just when to talk about their experiences in a conversation. With me it’s all or nothing.

Anyway it’s a great approach for me as I don’t later worry about what I said that was stupid or embarrassing. I did tell someone something very personal and then took control of myself and smoked some weed. I had a long conversation with a very cool person (another spouse whose wife went to the school) and bonded about why smoking weed is so helpful for being a high strung person. While she was muscular and bigger than me she was relatively small too.

She also said some great personal things about her mom raising six kids being a single mom.

Anyway being small has its advantages. I can’t think of any now it being Saturday morning at 6:53, but they exist. People picking you up usually isn’t one of them.

Horton Hears a Who, not unlike the post about the mite, is a story about an elephant that finds a tiny town only he can hear. There’s other great literature like Charlotte’s Web where a tiny “person” is best friends with a person much bigger. There’s a Sesame Street short little book about the whole topic around Big Bird and Little Bird. Someone much huger than me gave me the book a long time ago.

Anyway the girl inside the violent killer’s body has some experiences involving peeing standing up and having balls but the best part in this especially huge tall body is as comedic. Suddenly she’s huge and strong and can fuck with the mean jocks and the little mean girl who’s been bullying her. My kid is already taller than me and has been wearing my clothing for a few years now; sometimes I wear hers or give her clothes I don’t like on me that she wears well.

Well as usual I’m avoiding talking too much about more personal things specific to my family and friends. Talking about my size experience is weird enough.

Another thing about bodies. I don’t really like having one. These past two months I’ve had pain and ailments that are quite bothersome, especially my elbow thing, all of which are helped by weed. It’s a good pain medicine and anxiety medication so I don’t use it that often but when I do it’s for medicinal purposes. I think the “getting high” part goes with its medicinal properties when you take it for pain or anxiety. Being in pain or discomfort feels shitty so having the pain gone and feeling good go together when you have chronic mental and/or physical pain. I use it like medication that I don’t take regularly. I don’t need it on a daily basis and try to avoid it if pot because of the junk food side effect. It’s not helpful for trying to eat healthy so that’s not great. It is great that it’s legal so I can write about it. I’ve always thought alcohol is much less medicinal and it’s dangerous. Who ever has been afraid of someone who’s been imbibing only weed vs. alcohol? It doesn’t lend itself to violence. Like taking an anti depressant won’t make you violent but alcohol by itself or mixed with anything mostly is fine but can be risky and is a depressant..,


1 Comment

  1. Kit Troyer says:

    Love this. All the stuff about social anxiety resonates a lot for me. Both cannabis and psilocybin are helpful for me in social situations, but the latter is still illegal and harder to get on the regular. I wish i’d realized much earlier in life how much anxiety i was carrying around all day every day. Like anything else when you’re a kid, i just kind of assumed, ‘this is just life. This is what daily life feels like.’ I wish i’d tried therapy (& mind altering substances) much earlier in life. Oh well. It all works out. It was fun being in my 50s when I first tried psychedelics.
    Thanks for the re-blog.


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